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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

The Non-Event

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , , , , on 27 Jul 2023| 1 Comment »

This weekend is a milestone for us, my wife and me. It’s our 40th wedding anniversary.

We’ve learned a few things over these four decades, but the most important lesson has been “How to Communicate.”

Case in point: Last night I delivered a critique based on bad information. I’d misunderstood something my wife had said, made a judgment based on that misunderstanding, and calmly supplied her with my ill-wrought criticism. Naturally, it didn’t go over too well. Thirty years ago this might have ended in a row. Twenty years ago, we’d probably have bickered and sniped. Ten years ago, there would have been an airing of our grievances, but we still would have ended up a bit bent out of shape.

Last night? After a brief period of quiet, my wife informed me of my mistake, correcting what I’d misinterpreted. In response, I agreed that I’d obviously gotten it wrong, retracted my statement, and thanked her for setting me straight. A non-event.

This improvement has not been a straight line progression, and some topics are obviously more fraught than others in this regard. The point, though, is that we’ve been working at it, via both introspection and dialogue, refining and adjusting our attitudes, our approaches, and our methods.

Relationships aren’t constant. They change with conditions and react to events. They strengthen. They become strained. Sometimes, they break. Sometimes, they should break. But with attention and communication, they almost always can be improved upon. The “more perfect Union” is a goal worth striving for.

k

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Suddenly

Posted in Creativity, Poetry, tagged , , , , , on 02 Mar 2023| Leave a Comment »

and when she was gone
    the house lost its voice

no laughter echoed
    no giggles,
    no braying,
    no full-bellied mirth

banter lost its purpose
    no rejoinders,
    no quips,
    no quotes apropos

sounds of life fell silent
    no snores,
    no clatter of dishes,
    no questions shouted from two rooms away

instead, only
    stockinged feet
        on hardwood floors
    hushed whispers
        with the laconic housecat
    the ticking of clocks
        and soundless steeping tea

for when she was gone
    it felt wrong
        to laugh
        to love
        to live

but spring was coming
    her favorite season
        and her roses still wanted
            to bloom

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An Unfather’s Pride

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , on 08 Sep 2022| 1 Comment »

I do not have children.

This was by design.

I helped raise my brothers, eight years my junior. I experienced the trials of their infancy, the stress of their youthful mistakes, at least as much as an elder brother can.

I was not completely averse to the concept of procreation. Luckily, though, the woman I bonded with for life had opinions similar to mine, and so we have been happily childless for nigh on forty years.

And yet, there are children in our lives. The progeny of relations. The nieces and nephews of friends. The kids and grandkids of those in our closest circle.

This weekend I will have the honor of joining in marriage two young people who have been a part of our lives for several years. In June, I did the same for another couple from our innermost circles. In both cases, of both couples, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride when thinking of who these young people are.

But this is unjustified, undeserved, for I did nothing to raise these wonderful young people. I did nothing to mold their morals, their beliefs, their trueness to self, their admirable ethic, their compassion, their cleverness, their devotion to others, their loving spirits. That was the work of their parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles, elder cousins. That is their pride to take, not mine.

And yet, I feel pride.

Reflecting on this, it is probably more accurate to say that what I am feeling is a bit switched around. What feels like pride in them is actually pride in knowing them. I am proud that these remarkable young people want me in their lives. I am proud that they esteem me enough to want me to officiate their wedding. I am proud to know them, to call them friends, and to love them.

It is as close as I will ever come to feeling a father’s pride, but it is more than I ever expected, and I am grateful for it.

k

 

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Stupid-Ass Stuff

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , , on 15 Apr 2021| 1 Comment »

(Note: I’ve tried to start this piece about eight different ways, including caveats, trigger warnings, and explanations as to why I’m addressing this to men and not to all folks, regardless of their place on the gender identity spectrum. To be totally honest, I’ve only seen this behavior in cisgender males, so that is to whom I speak. Feel free to change the pronouns to fit your own experience.)

Now . . . that said:

Dear Men,

I’ve seen us do some stupid-ass stuff in the past, and I’m fully aware that we will continue to do stupid-ass stuff in the future. Some of this stupid-ass stuff is so outrageous that it takes us out of the genetic equation entirely. Other stupid-ass stuff merely (and hopefully) teaches us something, something like “let’s not do that again.”

Most of this stupid-ass stuff results from our testing the limits of our abilities (and/or physics), to see if our abilities are in sync with reality. For instance, I once believed I could, in one jump, go from both feet firmly on the ground to both feet on the countertop. Whilst wearing clogs (hey, it was the early ’80s). My belief, as it happens, was misplaced. My shins still bear the scars. Lesson learned.

However, some of our stupid-ass stuff hurts people other than just ourselves. Sometimes, we hurt others more than ourselves. And sometimes we hurt only others. These are harder lessons to learn because the ones we hurt, well, often they’re the ones we love most, and they hide their pain because of their love for us. We, not seeing their pain, continue on with our stupid-ass stuff, ignorant of the damage we cause.

Case in point: fear of marriage. (more…)

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Hallowe’en Wedding Bells

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , , on 31 Oct 2020| 2 Comments »

Today, I married my sister.

I’ve been to many weddings, a good few more than you, I’d wager. As a musician, I’ve been to scores, suffering through endless repetitions of Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major. As a groomsman, I’ve been to a handful, often a bit green in the gills, sweating vodka and swaying with my fellows in a shared hangover that hung around us like a fog. As a guest, there have been at least a dozen, some where I just sat and enjoyed the spectacle of hope, and others where I read remarks, made a toast, or simply helped with setup and tear-down. My sister and I were in a wedding before—my first—with me as groom and her as bridesmaid. (more…)

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Thoughts on Marriage

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , on 01 Aug 2019| Leave a Comment »

This Tuesday last, my wife and I celebrated our thirty-sixth wedding anniversary. While we definitely hit some bumps along the way, we’re both very glad that we married and that we stayed together.

Not everyone is a fan of marriage. Back when I still went out a-courting, the anti-marriage refrain was usually “It’s just a piece of paper!”, with second place awarded to those who derided marriage as a patriarchal institution designed to keep women subservient and disempowered. The latter opinion may have been true at one time, but I would argue that marriage today actually provides women with more power, rather than less. As for it being “just a piece of paper,” well, that’s never been true, and in fact, the piece of paper is the least important thing about a marriage. (more…)

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Three Decades On

Posted in Culture, tagged , , , on 30 Jul 2013| 13 Comments »

30 Jul 83In 1983, carrying a cellular phone was like walking around with a stick blender in your hand (except heavier), and cassette-playing Walkmans were de rigeur.

In 1983, we argued VHS versus Betamax (I lost that one), saw the birth of the internet, and wondered what Microsoft WIndows would look like.

In 1983, M*A*S*H was ending but “The A-Team” was starting up, Debra Winger died in “Terms of Endearment,” and George Lucas disappointed the world with Ewoks.

Also, in 1983, on July 30, I said “I do, I shall, I will,” for the first and only time, standing before a company of friends and family beneath a canopy of redwoods in a hometown park. (more…)

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