Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

This Tuesday last, my wife and I celebrated our thirty-sixth wedding anniversary. While we definitely hit some bumps along the way, we’re both very glad that we married and that we stayed together.

Not everyone is a fan of marriage. Back when I still went out a-courting, the anti-marriage refrain was usually “It’s just a piece of paper!”, with second place awarded to those who derided marriage as a patriarchal institution designed to keep women subservient and disempowered. The latter opinion may have been true at one time, but I would argue that marriage today actually provides women with more power, rather than less. As for it being “just a piece of paper,” well, that’s never been true, and in fact, the piece of paper is the least important thing about a marriage.

Some other things that marriage is not: it is not a solution to your problems; it won’t, by itself, make you happy; and it is not a guarantee of anything, least of all eternal love. It’s also not easy. To be honest, it can be damned difficult at times.

But it is worth it. Marriage, if done right, is totally worth it.

I’ve seen a lot of marriages, and many types. I’ve seen open marriages that work, monogamous marriages that fail, best friends who hated being married, and arranged marriages filled with deep and lasting love. I’ve seen weddings solemnized by ritual, marriages entered into on a whim, and thoroughly committed relationships for which there was no public ceremony, no exchange of vows, but just a heartfelt and private agreement between the parties.

Marriage is not one-size-fits-all. Each one is unique, both in ceremony and in application, but of the ones that work (and I don’t mean that they last, but that they work), here’s what I’ve seen them have in common.

• A marriage that works is a marriage of friends. Love–romantic love–waxes and wanes, but the love of friendship is less volatile, less prone to swings of biology and mood. Friendship packs a lot of good things in its satchel, like respect, caring, shared history, common ground, and a willingness to help. If all you have is romantic/sexual passion, there will be dark days in the years ahead.
• A marriage that works is one of reciprocation. Sharing the duties of daily life–laundry, errands, cooking, paying bills–is not the stuff of high romance, but if these things are not shared equitably, resentment will ensue. Reciprocation isn’t all about the mundane stuff, though; the good stuff is just as shareable.
• A marriage that works is filled with communication. Schedules, finances, logistics, these are obvious areas where communication is needed, but the back-and-forth must also include communication of feelings, needs, dreams, and problems (especially problems). It needn’t always be in words, though; there are many ways to say “I love you” or “I’m hurting.”

Marriage is a pact, a partnership at the deepest level, and a way of saying, “I’m in this for the long haul, come what may.” In ceremony, it’s a public affirmation of a private commitment, a promise made for all to hear. But solemnized or not, it’s an all-in or all-out proposition, not to be done by halves.

The world is a tough room, ready to dish out heartache and pain. Facing it every day can be daunting, but without the love, support, care, encouragement, good humor, and genuine friendship of my bride, the past thirty-six years would have been oh so much harder.

Totally worth it.

k

PS. Before anyone gets all hung-up on my use of the word “marriage,” note that an unsolemnized but committed relationship is, in my mind (and in the post above), also a type of marriage. It’s got nothing to do with “a piece of paper.”