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Main Street, 1976

The last time I walked down the main street in my home town—4th Street in San Rafael—was fifty years ago. It was hot and my heart was hammering as I walked a mile right down the middle of the street, straight through the downtown core. I wasn’t alone.

Behind me was the entire San Rafael High School Marching Band (Go Bulldogs!), and it was the Bicentennial Parade. I can’t tell you what we played. I can’t tell you how we did. I can’t even tell you what time of day or night it was, but what I can tell you is that as drum major, out in front, wearing that white wool uniform and that ridiculously tall fur hat, I was terrified, trying to look all … drum major-y … with the high steps and whistled commands and baton waving, trying to remember all that Char and Jay had taught me about street marching vs field marching, feeling totally out of my depth and hearing a tiny yet insistent voice in my head repeating: Don’t fuck up don’t fuck up don’t fuck up.

All the way down 4th Street.

It was a rocky time for many of us, the Class of ’76. We’d grown up being told, incessantly, that our graduation year would be an Olympics year, a presidential election year, and the Bicentennial year. Woohoo! How great is that?

I’ll tell ya, for me, it didn’t feel all that great. Costs were high, inflation was 6%, gas was still expensive after the embargoes, and the evening news was filled with reports of boycotts and bombs and war. Half of us had spent the past few years worrying about being sent to Vietnam, but late in ’75 the draft/lottery had ended, so we were beginning to breathe a bit easier on that score. Still, as the presidential primaries upped their tempo, memories of Watergate and Nixon’s pardon roiled up old feelings of disillusionment and, as I watched my few friends prepare to depart for their favored universities, I knew I would be staying behind, working part-time while making my way through local college courses with an attitude as grim as my future appeared to be.

Today, as we approach America’s 250th, I sense similar undercurrents of discontent. For those my age, most of us are seeing the progress we made in the last fifty years—as a nation and as a culture—being torn apart and dismembered by those who seem to have aged out of the ideals and promise of our youth. For those who are now the age I was back then, the paths ahead seem even more bleak. For us it was the Population Bomb and DDT; for today’s youth it’s climate change and AI. Where fifty years ago we had Nixon’s “plumbers, Agnew’s extortion, and the fall of Saigon, today we have a blistered carousel of lies, staggering self-dealing, and the Strait of Hormuz.

I wasn’t proud of my country, back in ’76. I’m definitely not proud of it now. We can do, and we deserve, a lot better.

But here’s the thing.

Between 1976 and 2026, there were times when I was proud of my country, times when I actually admired the people in my government and was proud of advances we made. During that time I was also able to find work and advance my own situation. As a skinny-ass senior at SRHS, I had no hope that any of those things might come to pass, and yet they did. Somehow, step by painful step, we were able to make things better, for ourselves and for each other. Sure, the pendulum has swung backward now, and ground has been lost. But not all ground has been lost.

While I didn’t have much hope back then, I was also too young to have seen what Americans can do when we get our hackles up, when things get so bad that we finally raise our heads and take note. That’s when we get creative. That’s when we push back. That’s when we look around, band together, and muster the courage to effect real change.

Today, as we approach our nation’s 250th (sullied as it has become), I believe there is reason to hope. I believe people are beginning to raise their heads and take note.

Time to get our hackles up.

k

 

The Leaving

Sing to me, O Muse, of a complicated man,
this life self-forged through tragic fire,
crafted from scraps of tin and gold,
hammered thin by doom and choice,
quenched to brittleness in acid waters.

Show me how, through the veil of years,
these smoldering bones did carry
the multitude of atoms that both
sparkled and hissed, caressed and raged,
in this single, fractious, chimeric whole.

Write down for me the lines whereby
this fatal journey can be fathomed,
such modes contained and fit to reason
as stern-faced lesson or warning dire and not
chaotic spasms of an indifferent fate.

None of us, not one, are made of stuff so pure
that faults, once sought, remain unfound within our selves,
but if this one soul’s full account of light
can be so nearly blasted through then how did I,
who lived so near and for so long, escape untouched?

Psalmody

crouch down
before the glowing remnants
of the dying world
lay sap-heavy fronds
atop the ashes
inspire smoldering embers
to consume resinous wood

hear the snap
as awakened heat bites
spindles your offering
and ghostly tendrils
acrid sweet and thick
rise and twist
as fire consumes life

reach out
into the smoky column
grab handfuls
of perfumed essence
pull them close
lift them
to heart to throat to hair
bathe in strength released
breathe in this final transmutation

awaken now
renewed refreshed rejuvenated
eat the earth
touch the skies
and with tempered soul
sharpened eye
sinews taut
prepare to protect
the life you would bequeath
to the future

Click-Clack

Most of my friends know that I my musical tastes, while wide-ranging, are rather specific. High on my priority list is musical complexity. I believe this comes from my having spent decades playing in symphonies and orchestras where deep instrumentation and complex forms are more prevalent. For a similar reason, lyrics are low on my list; this is probably because, after spending much of my life sitting in the midst of a hundred musicians, my ear has been trained to hear everything, and I find it exceptionally difficult to pick out the lyrics of songs. In fact, there have been songs that I liked quite well until I learned the lyrics.

As a result, I do not listen to a lot of popular music. The artists that do make it onto my regular rotation have broken through my—I’ll be honest, here—my prejudices. Perhaps it was their virtuosity or the timbre of their voice or the structure of their songs. Often the instrumentation alone will get my attention, and in some cases, it actually is the lyrics that capture me.

In order to stay on my rotation, through, a pop song has to make me feel something special. Joy, power, hope, memories of love, longing, serenity, grief, anger, a hunger for justice, the strength of true friendship. Something. A song must strike a resonant chord within me

That’s a lot of boxes for a song to tick. Probably an unfair amount of boxes. It’s not as though I actively dislike most songs; far from it, in fact. It’s just that not many hit me strongly enough to make me sit up, take note, and go in search of more.

Today, one did just that. It is unusual in many ways. It has a structure that goes well beyond the ABACAB verse/chorus/bridge structure common to pop songs. It incorporates recitative and arioso components, the latter soaring alone or riding atop a percussive ostinato, and the whole is orchestrated with strings, winds, and keyboard. In fact, I’d have to say that it doesn’t even really have a melody, at least nothing you walk away whistling, but rather it moves from motif to motif (I counted at least seven distinct forms). Most importantly, though, and for reasons I couldn’t fathom in the moment, it filled me with a building sense of hope, joy, and release.

That’s a lot of boxes ticked.

It punched right through my barriers, so much so that I went in search of the artist, listened more closely to the lyrics, and checked out a few other titles. I listened to it as a song, watched a stage performance of it, and watched the official music video of it.

Now, I am not gushing over this song because I think you will have a similar reaction. Based on past experience of sharing my faves with friends, I can predict that most likely you will not like it, certainly not as much or for the reasons that I do.

But in this current climate of dread and doom, where it’s difficult to go even two hours without some “breaking news” assaulting us with reports designed to enrage and shock us, I heartily recommend turning off the news and turning on some music.

Find the song that ticks your boxes, whatever they may be. Spend some time with music. You can thank me later.

 

And now, for the curious:

Not Who We Are

When we say that
This is not who we are
it is a lie

It is a lie
either clothed in chosen ignorance
or shrouded in collective aspiration

It is a lie because
we have been
all despised things

We have been
enslavers of millions
slayers of tribes
droppers of atom bombs
poisoners of air and water
oppressors of women
pillagers of nations

We have placed our knees
on necks of every color
at home and abroad
without remorse

We have ignored
friends’ pleas for aid
and denied entry at our borders
to those fleeing the same brand of tyranny
that birthed our nation

It is a lie
of the cruelest kind
when in denial of history
we believe the false is truth
to burnish our vainglory
whilst nodding acceptance
to our forebears’ crimes
absolving them
as ourselves

But even when uttered
swaddled in hope and
dreaming of a brighter future
it remains at its heart a lie
an unsubtle recasting of this moment
as mere aberration
and not the legitimate child
of centuries-long parentage

So do not tell me that
This is not who we are
for unless This is completely new
unseen before today
a crime unique amongst the millions
then it is entirely
who
we
are

Tell me instead
with all knowledge of our past
with all humility for our flaws and sins
with passion born of honest reflection that
This is not who we want to be
for then you will have spoken a truth
and gladly will I add my voice to yours

Take a Break

take a break
put down the phone
open the door
go outside
see the sky
smell the world
feel the wind
find something nice
a flower, a tree, a snazzy car, a friendly face
close your eyes
smile a quiet smile
breathe
and tuck this image away
for future use
because when storm clouds gather
and fires of anger rage
we will need that cache of secret moments
to bolster our resolve
with memories of peace

The Power of Y’all

Trigger Warning: The following might be considered “cultural appropriation adjacent.” (Whatever that means.)

Caveat #1: I was born in California, and have never lived in the American South.

Caveat #2: I have not made a study of this.

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