Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

(Note: I’ve tried to start this piece about eight different ways, including caveats, trigger warnings, and explanations as to why I’m addressing this to men and not to all folks, regardless of their place on the gender identity spectrum. To be totally honest, I’ve only seen this behavior in cisgender males, so that is to whom I speak. Feel free to change the pronouns to fit your own experience.)

Now . . . that said:

Dear Men,

I’ve seen us do some stupid-ass stuff in the past, and I’m fully aware that we will continue to do stupid-ass stuff in the future. Some of this stupid-ass stuff is so outrageous that it takes us out of the genetic equation entirely. Other stupid-ass stuff merely (and hopefully) teaches us something, something like “let’s not do that again.”

Most of this stupid-ass stuff results from our testing the limits of our abilities (and/or physics), to see if our abilities are in sync with reality. For instance, I once believed I could, in one jump, go from both feet firmly on the ground to both feet on the countertop. Whilst wearing clogs (hey, it was the early ’80s). My belief, as it happens, was misplaced. My shins still bear the scars. Lesson learned.

However, some of our stupid-ass stuff hurts people other than just ourselves. Sometimes, we hurt others more than ourselves. And sometimes we hurt only others. These are harder lessons to learn because the ones we hurt, well, often they’re the ones we love most, and they hide their pain because of their love for us. We, not seeing their pain, continue on with our stupid-ass stuff, ignorant of the damage we cause.

Case in point: fear of marriage.

I’ve written about marriage a few times over the years, discussing pitfalls to avoid and my tips on how to make it work, and in those pieces I tried to be generous and considerate of the fragility of the male egos out there.

Not this time.

Warning: unvarnished truth ahead.

I’ve known (and know) several men who eschew marriage. They have various reasons for their antipathy toward the institution, which they are often very comfortable sharing, usually delivering their screeds with the confidence that only comes from frequent and repeated oration. Philosophical, historical, or sociological in nature, these reasons run the gamut.

And they’re all bogus.

I don’t care whether, in your opinion, marriage is “just a piece of paper” or “an outdated vestige of the patriarchy.” I don’t care if your last marriage ended badly and you don’t want to be taken to the cleaners again. I don’t care if you’re truly committed to the relationship. I don’t care how long you’ve been together as a couple.

If your partner wants to get married and you do not, then you’re not truly committed to the relationship., and your recalcitrance hurts your partner. I’m sorry, but it’s as plain as that. You are hurting the one you love. Full stop.

For some of these men, getting married wouldn’t make much of a difference to their relationship with the world at large. The world sees him as a partner in a long-term relationship, and would still see him that way, once married. The way he and his partner run their finances wouldn’t change. Their children would still be their children.

For other men, getting married could actually solve some problems, with insurance, with taxes, with medical needs, with finances. Bureaucracy favors the wedded pair, and while, yes, that is neither fair nor free from the taint of state-sanctioned social engineering, it is still an undeniable fact.

And yet, despite these neutral and/or positive benefits, despite the absolute central benefit of giving your partner something that they desire and would make them happy, and despite the often ridiculous and increasingly outdated pontifications used to justify this continued obstinacy, these rejections of marriage all boil down to one thing.

Fear.

• Fear of losing independence.
  • Hot flash: you’re already dependent on your partner. And you will be even more so as the years go on. What you’re really afraid of is loss of youthful freedom. Grow up.
• Fear of missing out, because something better might come along.
  • Oh, great, so you’re only marking time with this person? How romantic. What if they are also on the prowl for a newer model? How would that make you feel?
• Fear of losing money/property in a divorce.
  • Caring more about your portfolio than your partner’s happiness is probably a sign that your commitment level is a bit south of 100%. Get a prenup if you must, but get on with it. (Oh, and be prepared for some blow-back when your partner perceives that you’re walking into this planning for a disastrous end-game.)
• Fear of change
  • Oh, please. In these times of war, pandemic, gig economy, and social upheaval, if you can’t handle a little change, you’re not trying. Also, not all change is bad. Also, most change is easier to handle with a partner who’s got your six.

In truth, the only question you need to ask is, “Does my partner want to get married?”

Be aware that, knowing your established antipathy toward marriage, your partner may not be honest with their answer, so check with a friend, and demand the truth. If the answer is yes, if your partner would be happier if you wed, then consider what your refusal is really saying, about your true commitment, about your true feelings.

I am not saying that everyone in a long-term relationship should get married. Absolutely not. Unfortunately, I know several couples whose relationships are sufficiently flawed and rocky that marriage would not be a good idea. In my opinion, some of them shouldn’t be together at all. But in that case, neither person wants to get married.

However, if your partner does want to wed and you don’t, turn that around and consider how you would feel if you wanted to wed and they didn’t. What would that say to you? How would you feel after five years, ten years, thirty years of repeatedly hitting the wall of your loved one’s “principles” when it comes to tying the knot?

There are plenty of reasons not to get married, but frankly, your fear of it is insufficient.

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that makes us do stupid-ass stuff.

If you’re all in, you’re all in. None of this stupid-ass stuff.

k