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Going _There_

Blue SunThere’s never an egg timer around when you need one.

As details began to emerge in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing, one of my Facebook ephemera went toxic on our collective hrm-hrms, asking us all if now Obama was going to require background checks for purchase of cooking vessels. Yes. He went there, and in record time. We hadn’t even finished counting the wounded and he’d already turned this tragedy into a Second Amendment diatribe.

My mind–being the thing it is–immediately went to the satirical end state. I imagined this fellow on paramilitary maneuvers in the upstate backwoods, pressure-cooker at the ready. I imagined him protesting the proposed ban on all pressure-cookers of greater than an 8-quart capacity. I saw him applying for a carry permit, so he could bring his pressure-cooker with him on his travels. I envisioned him, standing proudly before his arrayed collection of WWII pressure-cookers, including his favorite, a Japanese rice-cooker manufactured in Manchukuo. I pictured him as the charismatic leader in a new front against the War on Liberty, ready to lay down his life for the Amendment that read:

A well fed Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Large Cooking Vessels, shall not be infringed.

To him, background checks to purchase pressure cookers were just the thin edge of the wedge.

Then I came back to reality. Continue Reading »

were u at dude?

Composing a post for your blog? Writing an email to a colleague? Here are a couple of tips:

The letter “r” is not a verb.

The letter “u” is not a pronoun.

It doesn’t surprise me when blog posts or emails have this sort of embedded “text-speak.” Nor does it surprise me to find them riddled with bad syntax, incoherent thoughts, and errors both typographic and grammatical. It saddens me that those intent on communicating via the written word don’t have the sense (or self-respect) to proofread what they’ve written before they hit “send,” but it doesn’t surprise me.

What does surprise me is when I come across the same in posts on writers’ discussion boards. What does surprise me is when a writer doesn’t catch his own mistake when he writes “Art thou saint or satin?” And it goes beyond surprise when, as I saw the other day, a presenter of a TED talk repeatedly used the letter “r” as a verb in his Powerpoint presentation.

Dude…srsly?

If you want your words to be taken seriously, stick close to the standards of writing. In speech or in the written word, if you consistently flout the accepted standards of spelling, grammar, and composition, your words, your thoughts, sometimes even you as a person, will be discounted, diminished, or totally ignored by the world at large.

I shouldn’t have to use a secret decoder ring to translate a writer’s words into comprehensible English.

In fact, I won’t.  And I’m not alone.

I’m not being a grammar Nazi or a writerly snob. I’m not asking for high-falutin’ rhetoric or exquisite imagery. I’m asking for comprehensible grammar and correct spelling. Allowances for hurriedly written texts and non-native English speakers aside, a writer must strive for quality in the written word. You can only blame your iPhone’s predictive spelling function for so much.

In the end, if you don’t mind looking like an idiot because you don’t know the difference between “satin” and “Satan,” fine.

Just don’t expect me to take you seriously at the same time.

Overthink Much?

Kurt R.A. GiambastianiIs there anything more desperate than an unpublished writer?

I’ve been participating in some of the writers’ group discussions over on LinkedIn and I swear, never have I seen so many people trying to augur the entrails of the publishing world, never have I read so many vaunted “rules” of writing, and never have I heard so much illogical “advice.” Never.

And yet, I understand it. I understand it all. Continue Reading »

Caution: Novelist

Someone just bought their way into my next novel.

A friend of mine has been hurt by another person–hurt bad–and I so want to fix it. I want to walk in there with my swinging youbetcha and dispense some serious justice. I want to storm in like Thunder himself and enunciate for any and all just what was done, what disrespect was brandished, and with what heartlessness and callousness my friend had been treated. I would detail each and every cruelty perpetrated, how cruelty was the norm, and how patronizing disregard–so distant from the kind-hearted treatment one expects from people we call “friend”–was the default. I would set Calumny to follow this…other…like the very Dogs of War.

But I can’t. It’s not my relationship. It’s not my battle. It’s not my place.

I must set aside my desires, see to my friend’s wounds, and be content with that.

Only….I am about to embark upon a new project, a new novel, and I need characters. I need bad guys.

I just found my model.

Boys Will Be Boys

Back in grammar school, I did not tease girls. It was not my…not my…

Idiom, sir?

Yes, idiom. My idiom consisted of puppy-eyed longing from afar, followed by tragically romantic love notes, sometimes in conjunction with a back-channel whisper campaign extolling my many but unvaryingly abstract virtues. This engendered little more than epic disinterest, which I naturally interpreted as a sudden but inevitable betrayal, bringing on a mournful but grandiose suffering during which I would often carve my cruel beloved’s monogram into the sole of my boot so I could tromp her name into the dust with my every petulant step.

Others boys had other, more direct methods. Sitting in our rank and file desks, the girl who sat in front of such a boy was a constant target. If the girl had long hair and the boy was deft enough, he might tease out a single strand and–quietly, gently–tie that glossy thread around the body of a housefly he’d caught. Released, the fly would buzz up into the air, quickly reaching the limit of the strand. A clever boy could tie two, even three in place before releasing them to zip around her head like fighters around the mothership.

I don’t know if their methods worked better than mine. The desired culmination of this pre-teen proto-courtship ritual was never thoroughly clear to me. My personal goal (a kiss) was never achieved, but the other boys may have achieved theirs, hazy and conflicted though they were likely to be at that age.

What I do know is that at least one of those boys grew up and got a job at the Smithsonian Institution.

Continue Reading »

Minty Fresh Words

Kurt R.A. GiambastianiWords are important in my house. We like to be precise in our words, but sometimes there just isn’t a word for what we want to say. If we were really industrious, we could scour the interwebs for a foreign word that sums up what we want–like Schadenfreude or tartle–but it’s so much easier (and tons more fun) simply to make up a word of our own. Do others do this, or are we just…insane certifiable weird? Growing up, my family had respect for vocabulary, but never actually created new words, but my wife’s dad was a champion word-coiner and word-repurposer, making a language subset they called Schoenfeldese. Obviously, she is the vector for this infection. But, are we alone? I compiled a list of our freshly minted neologisms to share with you, and I invite you to share yours as well. Continue Reading »

Old Man Gamer

I am that rare thing, that forgotten demographic, that chimera of the gaming world.

I am a guy with an Xbox Gold Membership and an AARP card.

‘Struth. Even though my twitch-muscle response time took a nosedive during the Reagan administration, even though I often win the FIFO award during multiplayer gaming sessions, I still enjoy a little mayhem now and again.

The First-Person Shooter is my go-to genre in gaming, and as such, I’ve followed several of the big franchises over the years. This year saw long-awaited releases for three of them: Halo, Gears of War, and BioShock. I’ve played them all, now, and I am therefore qualified to say that there’s only franchise that did it right.

Now, since I am Old Man Gamer, my yardsticks are not the same as those freshly minted TwitchMaster 2000 players. While I appreciate the diverse weaponry and multiplayer modes and splatter-factors, I put greater weight on story line, set design, innovative gameplay, character realization, and what I call the Immersion Factor. I also care about how women are portrayed in video games, not because I’m a prude, but because I’m just sick and tired of females only existing in video games to up the titillation quotient.

So–assuming I haven’t lost you completely at this point–my findings.

Continue Reading »