Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

I had a bit of a contretemps this week because . . . the internet. The subject was introverts living in an extrovert world. And because it was . . . the internet, naturally, it all began with a meme.

A friend posted a bold-lettered graphic which, in essence, asked the question, “Why does society expect introverts to be talkative and all friendly-like, but never expects extroverts to shut the hell up?” In fairness, it was a bit more acerbic and snarky than my paraphrase, but like I said . . . the internet.

Most folks liked or laughed or commented with the equivalent of a knowing head-nod, but one person took umbrage. “You guys are describing obnoxious people, not extroverts.”

Well . . . no. Not in my experience, anyway.

Extroverts have many positive labels associated with them. They might be called “friendly” or “gregarious,” and one might be described as a “people person.” They’re the type of person who will strike up a conversation while I’m waiting in the checkout line, or chat amiably with me during an airplane flight. They might state their opinion audibly, while standing in a crowd and look to me for silent confirmation. They’re the friend who gets frustrated with me when I turn down yet another party invitation. They’re the boss who doesn’t understand why I don’t want to travel to Portland to enjoy some “face time” with the team. They’re the person I meet at a gathering who comes away thinking my quiet reticence is off-putting, and may describe me as cold, distant, aloof, unfriendly, a loner, or anti-social. These are not “obnoxious” people. They’re just extroverts who don’t understand what makes me, as an introvert, tick.

I distilled the above into a sentence or two, describing my experience with extroverts.

The response was swift.

“I know what an extrovert is, I don’t need it explained,” the poster said. “I am an extrovert.” This was followed by a litany of less flattering labels that have been leveled against the poster because of the way she engages with people, then by an assertion that only an obnoxious person would engage with me if I didn’t want it, and finally that the whole trend of extrovert-shaming (my phrase, not hers) was disgusting, as it unfairly paints all extroverts with the same inaccurate brush.

Seeing that I’d obviously touched a raw nerve, I decided to leave her in possession of the field, and I withdrew.

But it stuck with me, chafing like a burr. It’s now been over forty-eight hours and it still hasn’t let me go. When that happens, there’s usually something deeper I need to look at. So I did, and here’s what I worked out.

1. It seems like she thought I was introvert-splaining, telling an extrovert what an extrovert was. Fair enough. Not my intention, but I can see it coming across that way. However, though she may be the most “woke to the plight of introverts” extrovert on the planet, that doesn’t erase the experience I’ve gained in dealing with other extroverts. My intention was to explain how it was for me in dealing with extroverts, in general.
2. As I considered her complete denial of my experience, I recognized immediately that this is what women and minorities put up with all the time. Consider all the stories we’ve heard from the #MeToo and #BLM movements, and consider the general reaction from white-male society. The poster-maker’s reaction seemed rather similar, to me.
3. Which led me to the conclusion that, just as “white” and “male” are societal defaults, so is “extrovert.” As detailed by Susan Cain in Quiet (her book on the subject, reviewed here), extroversion is de rigueur in today’s climate, both business and personal. And if extroversion is the default, it stands to reason that, along with white privilege and male privilege, there also exists an “extrovert privilege.” As a group, extroverts aren’t any more obnoxious than introverts are, but the world out there is an extrovert’s world. As an introvert who has to navigate these shoals, I am forced to devise strategies and methods to “pass” in their society. It’s not as bad here in Seattle, home of the Seattle Freeze, but every day at work and when I travel to other cities, it’s a constant barrage. And lord, do not even ask me to go to the mall . . .
4. The internet is sufficiently removed from actual “in your face” conflict that introverts now have a way to express our opinions and share our experiences, safe from the bugbear of direct confrontation. In short, we are now able to follow the meme and Unite! . . . separately and in our own homes. This newfound confidence and outspokenness, however, is seen as an attack, a challenge to the extrovert class, especially when we introverts get a bit snarky and sarcastic (as we are often wont to do). And, just as white males run around with their hair on fire whenever a woman or person of color has the temerity to demand equal treatment (the nerve! the gall! what cheek!), so too will extroverts rail against us, their emboldened counterparts, for daring to raise our mousy voices.
5. My opponent’s reaction, then, is understandable. She didn’t like being lumped in with all those “obnoxious” extroverts. It was offensive to her, as she felt like the meme was singling her out, chastening her for some things (she felt) she did not do. I understand this well. As a white male, I’ve been accused of some pretty egregious things, simply because I am a white male. Women have literally told me to shut up and sit down because I am a white male. Despite my decades of support and encouragement for equal and civil rights, I’ve been called a sexist and have been told my opinions carry no weight. This has cost me some friendships in the specific, but has not changed my attitudes in general. I still support all activities that promote equal rights for women and minorities. That’s what allies do. This extrovert was not acting like an ally. (She doesn’t have to, of course.)

The upshot? Well, it’s just a fact that no matter what you say or post on the internet, you will offend someone. Thou shall not escape calumny, as the Bard said. But while making generalizations will, perforce, catch more in its net than intended, it is impossible to talk about societal ills and issues without using general terms. As an old white guy, I get caught in a lot of generalizations (thanks, Congress!), and none to my advantage, but they are a tool we can use to help discuss questions and concerns, and they should not be tossed out simply because one person reads it as a personal affront and takes offense at being so categorized.

I really don’t expect society to change in its attitude to introverts and extroverts, and frankly, there are bigger fish to fry, so it’s not a battle I want to fight. But neither am I content to just “go along” with the demands of extrovert norms, as it wins me nothing and seriously damages my calm. I’m not going to apologize for my nature any more than should an extrovert, but neither am I going to hide it.

I’m an introvert.

You’re not? Fine. Have fun storming the castle.

I’ll be over here, reading a book or something.

k