Lately, the world has been getting on my nerves, and things that otherwise might roll off my back just…aren’t.
A friend posted a link to Rebecca Traister’s article in the New Republic:
I Don’t Care If You Like It
Women are tired of being judged by the Esquire metric
In it, Traister takes issue with an Esquire article lauding the beauty of 42-year old women. She goes on to take issue with other things as well, such as Marvel’s recent announcement that they’re going to introduce a female Thor, and Harry Reid challenging Mitch McConnell’s assertion that women have achieved parity in the workplace.
I’m not commenting on the article per se nor on the Esquire article when I say that it seems that a man can’t say anything positive about a woman that doesn’t get taken by some as an offense. The ultra-nuanced deconstruction of every comment males make about females is to a certain extent counter-productive, and if men complain (as I’m doing here), they often get lambasted, which is also counter-productive.
I do get it. I get the fact that women don’t want to be judged solely by the “Esquire metric” (a metric that gets more and more difficult to achieve the older we get, thus pushing more and more women out of the “acceptable” range as they age). Esquire’s lauding gorgeous, 42-year old females for being, well, 42, female, and gorgeous, is merely applying the objectification standard to a non-standard bracket. I do not consider the Esquire article to be a “step forward” for women. But what about Marvel’s female Thor, which Wired magazine complains doesn’t go far enough? And what about Harry Reid giving Mitch McConnell hell on the topic of gender equity, which Traister says makes her feel “obligated to feel grateful”?
It’s as if we (men) can’t appreciate female beauty, can’t stick up for women, and can’t try to nudge the pendulum of social change in any way toward real gender parity, because whatever we do, it’s too little, too late. We’ve failed before we even start.
When you boil it down, heterosexual men are attracted to women, but there doesn’t seem to be a way for us to express that anymore.
My wife and I were both young and beautiful once (or so she tells me), but now after 30+ years, we’re both old and squidgy. She’s still beautiful to me, in so many ways, and yes, sometimes she doesn’t feel that it is so. Am I to wave her off with a dispassionate “Oh, come on. You know you’re beautiful”?
In my fifty-plus years, I’ve seen women’s issues and rights advance and improve. I’ve also seen plenty of setbacks. And, in a sort of reverse reaction, I’ve seen beauty standards applied to men in a way they never were before, and seen men become vainer and vainer in response. Yay, equality.
But my question is this: In an age where women are seeing their rights, freedoms, and even their safety curtailed by SCOTUS, politicians, and religious leaders, is it wise to slam the actions of those who are actually moving things forward or at least trying to do so? If we condemn the small steps because they’re small, we may never gain any ground at all.
k
Unraveling Time
Desert Wind
Ploughman's Son
Ploughman King
The Year the Cloud Fell
The Spirit of Thunder
Shadow of the Storm
The Cry of the Wind
Beneath a Wounded Sky
Cryptogenesis: A Memoir
Kurt R.A. Giambastiani 
This may not be universal, but as I’ve aged, in my own personal life, I watched a complete switch take place in my single friends. Back when I was in college, nearly all my single friends were female and “looking.” They were kind of picky 🙂 They wanted a man who was handsome, interesting, and with some earning potential. The guys weren’t so picky back then, and they seemed to have an abundance of single women to choose from.
Now . . . the scene is completely different, and most of my single friends in their 40s and early 50s are male. My girlfriends are all married, and so are many of my guy friends.
But . . . I do have a number of single men friends who always tell me there are no “datable” women in the proper age bracket. These men want to meet a woman who is slender and attractive, who looks younger than her age, and with her own income.
Apparently, this is difficult to find. They say all the women who meet these requirements are already in a relationship. They don’t want a woman who actually “looks” like she’s in her mid 40s, but they say they would be embarrassed about dating a 20 year old.
I’d really like to help some of these guys, but I don’t know any single women in their mid 40s who look like they are in their mid 20s.
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I’ve noticed that _all_ my single friends–not just the guys–have what I see as the same problem: The List.
The List is always incredibly detailed, and absolutely unrealistic, considering who they are and what _they_ are bringing to the party. Smart, beautiful/handsome, non-smoking, no kids, good income… I mean come _ON_. Get real. And to make it more difficult, a lot of them don’t put themselves in places where they might meet someone that even comes close. Face it, a local smalltown bar is not the best venue.
By the time we’re in our 40s and 50s, we’re set in our ways, and resistant to change. Finding someone who will perfectly dovetail with our own habits and neuroses is unrealistic. I feel for single folks these days; I really do. Having watched our 19-year old ward struggle in the dating world, I can say that it’s not easy for them, either. Everyone is looking for that perfect match, and on rather superficial levels. What about compatibility of interests? What about personal philosophy? There are more important things than a high-five-figure salary.
k
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Kurt, you are so right on all counts. Gosh, I can’t imagine dating at my age. Can you just imagine? Yikes!
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Part of me believes that, if I found myself alone (may it never happen), I’d just live alone. The other part of me knows, though, how much joy true love can bring to a life.
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I think that it is important that we keep on noticing imperfections of this type and I think that we need people to point them out to us so that we know what it is that we’re doing wrong. The internet, thankfully, is extremely adept at finding these kinds of things and then broadcasting the findings to all and sundry.
You’re right that women in the U.S. and all over the world probably have bigger fish to fry at any given moment than an article by Esquire. Nonetheless, if such an article harmful, it needs to be pointed out because there’s something even greater happening when they point it out: a conversation emerges.
I wouldn’t have even heard of the article that you mentioned here if it weren’t controversial and now Esquire’s aims and their partially botched attempt are out there for me to consider and discuss.
What would be unfortunate would be if people felt that they couldn’t participate in the conversation. Yet, I think that this can be easily overridden–and should be–by the desire to involve yourself in the conversation. To realize that horrid or merely shallow ideas come to be and are perpetuated and to accept and carry those with you while you write and contribute to the conversation.
I guess what I’m saying is that my answer to “What’s a Fella to Do?” is that he should keep on writing, keep on reading, keep on discussing and that he should remember that this is a work in progress and relish every opportunity to contribute to the conversation.
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Thoughtful comments, well said.
To be clear, I found the Esquire article to be objectifying, patronizing, and antithetical to the promotion of women’s issues. I’m glad it got called out for what it is.
But should all the other items be lumped in with that Esquire article? Is it helpful, in a conversation, to put the good in with the bad because it is not perfect? To me, it’s the difference between saying “Marvel’s female Thor is an interesting and progressive step in a direction toward a gender neutrality” and saying “Marvel’s female Thor sucks because it doesn’t go far enough.” I do not suggest that we sugar-coat or gloss over the problems that still exist for women, but neither do I want us to discourage what actions are being taken, however imperfect they may be.
As you point out, keeping the conversation going is the most important aspect in promoting understanding. Putting down someone who’s on your side runs counter to that intent.
I am not an activist, but I’ve been a supporter of women’s rights all my adult life, have spoken and written in favor of same for decades, and truly believe that women are equal to men (if not superior in some ways). If someone like me feels discouraged and reluctant to speak out, because of the harsh response received by those of similar leanings, how is that promoting the cause? Perhaps I should be stronger, more resolute, but for every one of me, there are others like me.
Thanks so much for your comments. Much appreciated. –k
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I think you’re right and maybe we need to do more to make people feel that criticism doesn’t diminish effort or results. With Lady Thor, I think there’s something good to come of it but that article is also pointing out that it’s not such an easy fix.
As a side note, I hope I didn’t come off as if I was targeting you. Just adding my two cents. 🙂
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No, no, no. We’re good. (If yours is the worst heat I get on this post, I got off easy.)
For me, it comes down to the way in which one delivers criticism. Having been through the mine-fields of writers’ workshops, I learned that there’s a way to do it to appear superior, and a way to do it and to be encouraging. Lady Thor (I like that, but some won’t) is a prime example; I mean, how much _can_ the superhero line of a comic book company do to promote gender equality? The point is, they’re doing _something_, whereas most are doing nothing. And while Lady Thor isn’t a magic bullet, it does promote conversation while also nudging the pendulum. The reason I keep harping on it is that _most_ of the reaction to Lady Thor that I’ve seen has been decidedly “meh,” as in “What’s the big deal?” That in itself says a lot about the comic community. See http://textsfromsuperheroes.com/ for an example of what I mean.
Thanks, again! –k
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It’s a strange world – and getting stranger. As I age (66+) and approaching my 20th anniversary (after two failed marriages and a LOT of affairs) I’m signing off on all the unanswerable mysteries concerning relationships. I mourn Elaine Stritch’s passing because she was a hell of a broad and took no crap from her sisters or brothers while remaining a woman in full.
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Elaine was great, and answered to no one but herself for many years. There are women of all ages and all levels of physical beauty who are admirable in many ways. It pains me that I cannot laud some of them without being seen as condescending or patronizing or something else because my outlook is less than perfect. I fear we are silencing more voices of support than we are encouraging.
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