Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

Renowned author Dan Brown has a new book, and it is therefore open season for critics, professional and amateur alike.

But I’m going to leave that to others, especially Michael Deacon of the Daily Telegraph, who did it better than anyone in his pastiche of the Brownian “style.” Really, go read it, but don’t drink coffee while you do so. And don’t pass by the top comments, either, one of which gives us the neologism “blort”–the perfect one-word replacement for “spit take.” If you have time, also check out the Telegraph’s “20 Worst Sentences from Dan Brown.”

The pastiche is easily the funniest piece this side of Chuck Lorre’s vanity cards. Reading it aloud reminded me of similar sessions with “The Eye of Argon” and Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea. (If you’ve never heard of the latter, let me know and I’ll let you in on the history.) The “20 Worst” will make you simultaneously laugh and cry that such sentences make it into a bestselling novel.

But as I said, I’m not going to dogpile on renowned author Dan Brown. Why?

Because you can list any mistake made by renowned author Dan Brown, and I’ll show you the same mistake in my own prose.

Yes, that’s right. I, Kurt R.A. Giambastiani, have made every error and guffaw-worthy faux pas made by renowned author Dan Brown. And then some.

• Redundancies?–Done it. Twice.
• Pedantry?–Ooooh, yeah. Done that.
• Staggeringly thick opening sentences?–Lamentably, yes.
• Mixed metaphors? Needless detail? Shockingly bad imagery?–Bless me Father, for I have sinned…

So, if my prose shares so much with renowned author Dan Brown, why aren’t my books on the bestseller lists? Because bestsellers aren’t about good writing. Bestsellers aren’t about art.

Bestsellers are about what catches fire.

Remember that renowned author Dan Brown wrote three books prior to The Da Vinci Code, all of which did well enough for his career to continue. These prior novels (Digital Fortress, Deception Point, and Angels and Demons) did not catch fire as did TDVC. So, why did TDVC spark where the others didn’t?

The Da Vinci Code blended conspiracy, secrecy, puzzles, and exotic locales (if one can consider Italy, France, and the UK “exotic”) in a well-paced, action-oriented thriller. It built on a controversial (some would say “fringe”) theory dealing with the origins of Christianity that excited the imagination of the (primarily Christian) American public in a time when, just post-9/11, the American public had both a heightened awareness of religious issues and a hunger for escapism.

And then, the miracle: the publisher had the wonderful good luck to be sued by the authors of that Out-There theory, blasting the hype-rocket through the roof.

The folks who will buy a copy of renowned author Dan Brown’s latest opus are not looking for great literary art. For a large number of them (I’ll wager), this will be the only book they read all year. Most are looking for entertainment, and renowned author Dan Brown provides that. He’s going to give them simplistic characters, a fast pace, cinematic scenery in locations the readers want to visit, danger, intrigue, all wrapped around a puzzle and, to top it off, he’s going to give them the answer to that puzzle. Renowned author Dan Brown is going to give them the literary equivalent of a Hostess Sno-Ball: sweet, fluffy, and full of air, eat it in one big bite if you want or peel it apart and take it piece by piece.

Renowned author Dan Brown will give his millions of readers some fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

k