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A few weeks ago, another blogger and I were discussing the topic of “accessibility” in fiction and film, and by way of example of the “inaccessible,” Prospero brought up the 1972 film, Solaris, directed by Andrei Tarkovsky. I had read the novel (by Stanislaw Lem, 1961) and had seen the Soderbergh/Clooney film (2002), but I’d never seen or even heard of this Soviet-era science-fiction film. So, tappity-tap-click-click, I went over to Blockbuster and found I could put it on my movie queue. It arrived last week, and I watched it over the weekend.

Solaris (1972) received critical acclaim on its debut, and at Cannes it won two prizes and was nominated for the Palme d’Or. Ingmar Bergman had nothing but praise for Tarkovsky’s work, and Salman Rushdie called Solaris “a sci-fi masterpiece.”

Now, I don’t give too much weight to awards (though if Red Sonya had been nominated for the Palme d’Or, I might have stayed for the second half), and if you’re talking about inaccessibility in film and fiction, then you can hardly find better wingmen than Bergman and Rushdie. I’ve also seen several Russian and Soviet films, albeit from previous eras (e.g., Alexander Nevsky, Battleship Potemkin, etc.), so I was prepared for the somewhat lugubrious pace that Russian directors prefer. And lastly, brought to my attention as an example of “inaccessibility,” I knew this wasn’t going to be a action-packed laugh-riot.

Thus prepared, cue the music.

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Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

This edit only addresses the items highlighted in the original, and while I feel it is an improved version, there are still other problems–some of those “macro” level problems of the type I mentioned way back when I started this series. Problems like, say what? a new character halfway through a short story? Problems like, it’s just a bit dry and non-descript in places; too bland and banal. Problems like, it’s got a little too much sci-fi gimcrackery around the edges.

I’ll address these issues in a final rewrite, but for now, feel free to read and compare this to the original version.

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Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

Here is the original version of “Cast in Stone,” a trunk story I wrote about 20 years ago (Good lord, has it been that long?) If you missed the history of this piece, go read the Preamble to this edit-fest.

And to remind you of the color codes for each error type:

  • Telling, not showing
  • Clunky phrasing/naming names
  • Exposition
  • Bad metaphors/similes/adjectives
  • Wiggle words
  • Echoes

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Kurt R.A. GiambastianiMy story, “Cast in Stone,” was written in the early ’90s, and is probably the third or fourth story I ever wrote. I wrote it for a themed anthology about “deaders,” brain-dead humans who were animated via software to become servants and workers. The anthology accepted the story, but the money fell through and it was never published.

I then submitted the story to OMNI, back when OMNI was (a) a real magazine and (b) still publishing fiction under the incomparable editorial hand of Ellen Datlow. One of Ms. Datlow’s assistant editors, Robert K.J. Killheffer, read the story, and liked it enough to take the extraordinary step of leading me through several rewrites. (I have to say, after boiler-plate/check-list rejection letters, it was a thrill to get a letter for a rewrite!) He provided me with guidance each time through, suggesting changes in everything from the title (original title: “Statuesque Revisions”…ick) to structure and style.

We went through about four iterations, if memory serves, with Rob sending me up two pages or so of typewritten comments, and me improving the story each time. In the end, the story was still rejected, but this all tells you how much work went into the version I present to you here.

And even with all that editing, all that mentorship, it still has so many problems that I wince to read parts of it.

So, what I will be presenting here is “Cast in Stone,” in its original, post-OMNI form. I have changed not a word, but I have highlighted the major errors and issues of the type I’ve talked about in this series of posts. I’ve given each a color code as follows:

  • Telling, not showing
  • Clunky phrasing/naming names
  • Exposition
  • Bad metaphors/similes/adjectives
  • Wiggle words
  • Echoes

Then, I’ll present a rewritten version where I’ll fix them and (possibly) some of the larger, structural problems the story has.

Ready?

 

Stack of BooksThis is the last specific topic I’m going to post in this series on common mistakes that plague new/untrained writers. But, I’ve decided that the final post is gong to be an experiment. I’m going to take an old trunk story and post it here, warts and all, highlighting the errors I’ve been complaining about here. Then I’m going to edit it, rewriting it to see how much better it might be. Then, you can be the judge of whether or not my advice given here is of any value.

But that’s later. For today, I’ll lay out my last gripes about unpolished writing: repetition, assonance, and alliteration. Like last time, these are hard to find in editing, and not something I can spot by scanning a work. But I find that if I keep my “ear” open as I read, I’ll hear them.

By “repetition,” I mean the re-use of a specific word in close proximity. Naturally, I have to re-use words, but most words don’t cause a problem because they’re so common. We’re accustomed to their being repeated over and over within a paragraph or even within a sentence. It’s the unusual words that, when repeated, cause a problem, and the more unusual the word, the more it sticks in the reader’s mind. Editors I’ve worked with call this an “echo,” and I’ve had “echoes” called out chapters away from each other.

Example: If I use the word “diaphanous” in Chapter 1, and then again in Chapter 2, you’ll remember it. You’ll probably remember it if I use it in Chapter 10. If I use the words “bifurcate” or “spavined” more than once in the entire book, you’ll remember it. But even common words, when used in close juxtaposition, can create a problem of “echoes.” Continue Reading »

Stack of BooksA follow-up to my earlier post about reformatting print-ready files for e-book readers

In case these two points didn’t register in that post, here they are again:

  • Take Your Time…
  • Check Your Work…

I spent many hours over the past couple of days struggling with the files for FC Books II-V. I took my own advice (see above) and carefully and deliberately went through each reformation step, file by file. Then I uploaded the reformatted files and downloaded the KDP-converted files (in MOBI format) Then I previewed each MOBI file, using the Kindle Previewer, taking care to preview each file in each of the possible devices, from Kindle DX to iPad.

What I found was that while everything was fine on Kindle hardware, something was throwing off all the formatting when the MOBI file was ported to the iOS hardware. On iPads and iPhones, all my careful font styles were dropped and the whole shebang popped up in Courier New monospaced font. Ick.

Luckily, I had one file that was working on iOS (FC:I) so it was just a matter of comparing that file to the other files and trying to find the one thing that was causing the KDP conversion software to have a hissy-fit. I don’t know exactly what it was or exactly why, and I won’t bore you with details too tedious to be suffered. Suffice it to say that I was able to create files that work on all devices.

However, I still have not released FC:II-V into the e-book wild. I’m taking even more time, and will upload them all to my Kindle account, so I can see them on a Kindle, an iPad, and an iPhone for myself.

But it brings home my admonitions: Take Your Time and always Check Your Work.

That is all.

k

Winter’s Edge

Misty MorningOur drive west to the ocean is quiet, the road hissing beneath our tires, the drizzle hiding the greater world around us. It is just us, the dashed stripe down the pavement, and the last vestiges of winter along the highway’s edge.

Washington is the Evergreen State, and it is always, ever, green; winter or summer, rain or sunshine, something is always green. In this season, it is the cedars, pines, firs, and spruce. They covered the hillsides and the slopes between us and the limits of the grey-misted world: tall, shaggy, dark green sentinels ranked in thick forest ranks, or short, stripling, pale green youngsters rising from the steaming refuse of clear-cut acreage. But not everything is green.

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