Kurt R.A. Giambastiani

Twenty-odd years ago (when I was just starting out with speculative fiction), I wrote the short-short below. It was a light-hearted look at a theory that was, back then, just emerging into the popular culture. Several recent headlines brought it back to mind, and it ain’t so funny, anymore.

 

 

 

Gold Coast Placement Agency

Hello, and thank you for contacting
the Gold Coast Placement Agency.
Please wait for the next available
representative, and thank you for
choosing Gold Coast, where we do
the legwork.

. . .

[begin chat]

. . .

Hello. This is Ann Richardson, Gold Coast
Representative #423-A.
How may I help?

Hello, Ms Richardson. I am urgently seeking a position of employment. Do you have any openings?

Well, to be honest, the market is tight,
and success depends on your qualifications. 
How long have you been looking?

I have only been seeking a position for a few months.

Good. That actually makes it easier.
Employers can pick and choose right
now, and they always prefer those with
recent work histories. How long were
you in your last position?

My last position was the only one I have had. I was with the Leland family for six years, ever since I was eligible.

And the reason for your discharge?

Mostly financial. I guess you could say I was laid off.

Yes. We hear that a lot. Many families
are cutting back on expenses. What
is your current address?

My current address is 19001 Overlook Avenue.

Isn’t that on the waterfront?

Well, it is now.

Oh, dear. That is worrisome. I take
it you’re looking for relocation as well?

Exactly. It is imperative that I find a new place of employ as soon as possible.

Yes, I can see that. Just a moment
while I open a file for you.

. . .

Tell me, what are your transportable
amenities?

Quite good. The Lelands completely renovated the kitchen, all still under warranty. The spa and health areas were retro-fitted with this year’s upgrades, and the A/V and A/R capacities are top-of-line.

That’s quite impressive.  The Lelands
treated you well.

Yes. They did. It was rather traumatic for both parties when I was let go.

And your layout?

I have 7,800 sq ft in two stories and an add-on wing. Six bedrooms, each with en suite facilities. The garage can house four vehicles. Plus full amenities and automated staff.

Good, good.  I don’t think we’ll have trouble
finding you a new family, though we may
have to lose the add-on for transport. About
locations; do you have any preference?

Well, naturally, I would like to stay away from the shoreline, if possible. I have always fancied a mountain view.

To be frank, I wouldn’t count too much on 
having a view, what with everyone fleeing the
fire danger of countryside.  But I’m sure we can
keep you away from the shore. I’ll set up an
appointment with one of our field inspectors,
and we can work out the details after that. 
Is Tuesday afternoon convenient?

Tuesday will be fine, thank you. Oh, and, Ms Richardson?

Yes?

Thank you for moving on this so swiftly. The high tide often reaches the middle of the street, and I have been getting rather nervous.

I understand.  We’ll have you out of there and on
higher ground before the waves reach the curbside. 
I’ll contact you after the inspection.

Good.  Thanks again, Ms Richardson.

My pleasure.  Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[end chat]